My friend came home one last time.

I didn't expect to pick Joey up from the vet so soon. It was really difficult trying to hold it together enough to pay. I was praying they had made a mistake and that my bouncing baby dog would come prancing through those doors. I knew it was delusional but I couldn't keep myself from going there.

The worry I was going through Saturday night and all of Sunday. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I was in knots worrying about my precious boy. When the phone rang at 3:30am Monday morning, I jumped at it. It was dread but for a flash of a second I was hoping for, Joey made a miraculous recovery.

Now, how do I look at my other dog the same? It was an unfortunate accident but he took something from me that I can never get back. This world is filled with so much darkness but Joey, Joey was pure light.

I keep looking in his favorite places for him. When I come home and he's not on the couch in the basement it hits me again. Again and again. Every time I let the dogs out he doesn't coming running with his panty breathing. I'm not going to be able to wake up in the middle of the night to comfort him through his reverse sneezing.

I'm hungry but I can't bring myself to eat. Going to work helps and I can claim some sort of semblance there. It's still hard driving passed the vets where we left him.

I struggled all day Sunday with what should I do? I wanted to go see him but I didn't want to interrupt his healing. I mean, he was so nervous and if he'd see me he'd get all huffy. Would it have helped or hurt? Would they have even let me see him?

I woke up at 1:30am Monday in knots. The worry was killing me. I couldn't sleep and at 3am I couldn't breathe. I tossed and turned trying to get some air. A few minutes later I started getting chest pains myself. The worry was literally eating me up. At 3:30am the vet called and said he had tragic news. About 15 minutes before, Joey went into cardiac arrest. He said they gave him everything a human would have and they preformed CPR but that he just couldn't pull through.

Why? What happened? When we arrived on Saturday night the vet said that the x-rays appeared to show his trachea had been cut. He said the repair would be beyond him. We could try rushing him down the highway to Woburn about 40 minutes away but he didn't think Joey would make it. WHAT? I can't have this dog die. Not in my arms on the way to help! Not ever! My only other option was to try to get him stable and then try to bring him to Woburn. I opted for them making him stable. His tongue was purple. He asked if we'd give him permission to send the x-rays off to a radiology specialist to check the results. We immediately agreed and they said they did not see anything wrong with his trachea. YES, a small victory.

I asked if we could see him and he said let me intubate him first. He's shocky and not getting enough oxygen. They put him on Propofol and intubated. His vitals came right back up to where they were supposed to be and he was getting 99% oxygen into his lungs. Another small victory. They let me see him on the table. His wounds, although, they looked bad, I didn't think they were non-recoverable. Seeing him like that I sort of lost everything I wanted to say to him. I was a bit in a daze from all the bad news and seeing him on the table. I got to pet him and told him I loved him and that he was a good boy. I just kept repeating those two things for a few minutes. I wish so bad that I had said more or done more to comfort him.

Joey had never been away from us like that ever. My mom would babysit him at her home but he'd always have Avery with him and he knew my parents. If my mom couldn't watch him my brother and his wife would watch him with Avery, still. If neither of those options were available my mother-in-law would come to our home and stay with him. He'd never been away from home or family for that long. What if he let go because he thought I wasn't coming back for him?

Why did I have to lose my best friend? Especially, over something so stupid as 4 carrots. I was supposed to have at least 10 more years with him. He was incredible.

The worst part now is not only the pain but the pain my husband is going through. I can't help him and it hurts even more. I wish there was something I could do to ease the pain, even if just a little bit. I find myself breaking down at odd times over odd things. Mostly, when I'm missing him the most. Like in the mornings when I'm showering, or when I'm coming home and the routine is changing because he's not there doing his quirky things. He would almost force you to greet him because he would bark and bark. I didn't mind it one bit. He was welcoming us home. Ken would sometimes say enough, Joey. I'd always encourage him. You go Joey! I'd always say, What? What Joey. He'd just go on talking and talking.

It's tough because you don't realize how much something means to you. You don't understand what you're going to miss. You can't even comprehend that they're no longer going to be a part of your life. Yes, you'll have your memories and the love for him will never die but it's just not the same.

Life will never be the same without you Joey.